The Usual 1: Unraveled

I felt the need to explain my thoughts so let us dive into my troubled mind.

My girlfriend and I just had an argument about a close friend of mine's planned visit to my house. The base of the argument wasn't that she so much thought I was cheating on her but that she didn't want her opinion to be my decision. I had asked her to tell me if it was okay for June (This is the alias I shall give her) to come over but she refused to give me an answer, saying that she wasn't my wife, she was my girlfriend so she shouldn't be making that decision. I didn't really want her to make the decision for me, I rather wanted her to tell me her opinion so I could feel some sense of jealousy oozing from her text. You see she is afraid to show her jealousy towards any matter concerning me and other females and it bothers me almost. Call me immature or insecure but it's as though she has other options waiting in line ( I wouldn't be surprised because she is very beautiful) so even if we didn't work out it wouldn't matter.

This brings me to my next agenda. Please don't judge me for this but I had spied on her chat sessions with other guys and found reasonable suspicion that she may be cheating on me. I'm not saying she is because she knows what it feels like to be cheated on so she shouldn't do the same but then again you just never know. Either way I felt as though she didn't want to tell me not to do anything because she herself has already had her "fair share" behind closed doors. It's a mean thing to suspect and I feel awful for saying it but in today's time and era it is just hard to know.

I hope if she ever reads this she can forgive me but I just couldn't and can't help it. My paranoia is one that occupies most of my thought process and it's very challenging to overcome it but hopefully all turns out well. We'll see.