The Usual 1: Unraveled

I felt the need to explain my thoughts so let us dive into my troubled mind.

My girlfriend and I just had an argument about a close friend of mine's planned visit to my house. The base of the argument wasn't that she so much thought I was cheating on her but that she didn't want her opinion to be my decision. I had asked her to tell me if it was okay for June (This is the alias I shall give her) to come over but she refused to give me an answer, saying that she wasn't my wife, she was my girlfriend so she shouldn't be making that decision. I didn't really want her to make the decision for me, I rather wanted her to tell me her opinion so I could feel some sense of jealousy oozing from her text. You see she is afraid to show her jealousy towards any matter concerning me and other females and it bothers me almost. Call me immature or insecure but it's as though she has other options waiting in line ( I wouldn't be surprised because she is very beautiful) so even if we didn't work out it wouldn't matter.

This brings me to my next agenda. Please don't judge me for this but I had spied on her chat sessions with other guys and found reasonable suspicion that she may be cheating on me. I'm not saying she is because she knows what it feels like to be cheated on so she shouldn't do the same but then again you just never know. Either way I felt as though she didn't want to tell me not to do anything because she herself has already had her "fair share" behind closed doors. It's a mean thing to suspect and I feel awful for saying it but in today's time and era it is just hard to know.

I hope if she ever reads this she can forgive me but I just couldn't and can't help it. My paranoia is one that occupies most of my thought process and it's very challenging to overcome it but hopefully all turns out well. We'll see.

The Usual

It's one in the morning. I feel as though eighty pound weights have been tied to my entire body and I just want the world to disappear. They say relationships and love was supposed to take you off to a newly created reality, a realm you could call it. Instead for me at least, it carries me to the top of a mountain high enough where I feel like I'm finally away from the society, my troubles and pains. Then here comes the drop. I try to reach out and slow my fall but the more I think or move the faster I drop. But here comes the harsh part. It doesn't allow me to hit the bottom, no that would be too easy. It breaks the fall right when all hope is lost, then starts the climb all over again.

It's a dreaded cycle, one that I have the opportunity of leaving but destined to stay. No matter how much I wished that I could reach the top and crate my own life there, it never happens. What's funny though is that it leads you to wish harder and harder that it will happen until you've tied your own blindfold. Deluded in your own false happiness then it nudged you to the edge of the mountain. You feel the pending doom but you know you can't stop it because the more you try, the bigger the problem becomes.


I finally understand the phrase I once heard on some random show that "love is a lot like freefalling". Only I no longer just understand this phrase, it has morphed itself beyond that, controlling my relationship and everything that comes along with it. It's a terrible thing to admit but the truth is usually never what you believe it to be.

Thanks for reading the post of a troubled teen and I hope you stay for the ride. There is a lot more to come.